Everyone likes to think that they are a good person.
I'm sure that no one out there really TRULY wants to be know as "that nasty person" or whatever. People want to believe that they are doing good to the world, not screwing it over. I mean, there are those few sadistic psychopaths who want to screw everyone over, but even if you look into their psyche, they believe they are doing what is "right". Hell, I bet even Hitler, though completely warped, thought he was doing what was best for the world.
I have always thought that I was a pretty good person. I felt that I was more understanding, more accepting and more intelligent than everyone else. Looking back, that just proves how un-understanding/accepting/intelligent I really was. In fact, my vanity is my biggest flaw and causes most of my problems.
So I'm sure you all can guess that it came as kind of a shock to me when I realized that I was NOT the person I thought I was. In fact, it was kind of like in those cartoons when you see the frying pan smashing into the toon's skull and there are birds twittering in a circle. Well, the frying pan was smashing and the birds were twittering.
The person whom I had thought that I was only existed in my mind. I knew that I was that person but no one else did because that was not the person I portrayed. I spoke out against gossip, judging people, being silly and most of all hypocrisy, but that is exactly what I was becoming.
It was awful.
When I realized that people saw me as this empty-headed bimbo I was to say, at the least, disturbed. Everything that I stood against was now my image? How the hell did I get myself into this situation?
Well, I guess you could say I live a double life. Other than my family (my immediate family at that), I think there is a grand total of 2, maybe 3 people who actually know me. Both sides of me are very much mine but just different aspects of the same being. There is the one side of me who is the social butterfly, talks to people, loves attention, and is loud confident and melodramatic. But then there is the part of me that does not like people at all, who sits and watches rather than talks and someone who would rather curl up with a good book than anything else. Finding a happy medium is.. difficult.
People see what they want to see but they can only only see what you show. I think that by acknowledging my faults, I'm getting somewhere, right? I've decided that I'm going to try and just be. That's right, just be; not be better or be myself, because honestly, I don't even know who myself is.
Hopefully, one of these days I will find who I really am, but for now, I'll just hope that I get close.
