In essence, this summer I am alone.
I am not a complete recluse, locked in a room, avoiding bathing and social contact, but sometimes it feels like I am treading on the fault line and like California in the scientific future, waiting to break away. But why are recluses recluse in the first place? I am guessing to step away from influence, examine themselves, and relax. I guess in a way than I am that recluse, forced into relaxation bring devoid of social encounter.
I find myself in a position where I have never found myself prior. My mind is given full reign to think whatever it wants without the constraints of time, offense, or consideration. To be honest, with an imagination like mine, thinking can become quite a scary ordeal: absolutely anything can happen. But as with anything, when given free reign, it seems as if we naturally begin to constrict ourselves in order to keep some semblance of balance. As I was explaining to my cousin last night, I feel like I am Jean Grey. I possess such immense amounts of emotion and thoughts that they need to be channeled and compartmentalized in order to be a more successful person (though luckily I don't disintegrate people when I lose control, well not yet anyways). Being alone I have found a new attraction with meditation and am in a way being my own Professor X locking away feelings. Also, in these times when I have only myself to keep me company, I realize what a complete and total nerd I doing a comparison of myself- in public- to XMen characters.
With all this spare thinking you find whom you truly care about, but more importantly, who cares about you. You realize that sometimes you fall in love with the idea of someone rather than the someone because in the end people are only people and it is irrational to believe that they would be able to fulfill such lofty ideals. You realize that everything is not that big of a deal but small things can be a big deal. You realize that as much as you may want something, it won't happen unless all parties are absolutely ready but things can never be as they once were because the past has passed. You realize that you don't have to plan out the perfect life because in 99.9% of all romantic comedies, nothing goes according to plan yet they all manage to love happily ever after. You realize that you shouldn't assume anything about anyone because even the most emotional bereft individual can surprise you with sweeping you off your feet with more romance than any romantic. And last but not least, you realize the British punk music is actually really freaking cool.
All in all I feel like I better comprehend when people come back after a summer somewhere a little changed and a little different from before. Perhaps it is the exposure to different people, or a ridiculously high influx of movies due to roommates with fantastic movie collections and a Netflix account, or perhaps it is being forced to be in company of yourself, but there is a little self-realization in there somewhere just waiting to happen. I must say, I welcome it.
